Helplessly Hoping

4/2/10

Yesterday was an important day. I woke up with Katerina at 5am, her usual time to get up for work, and sat with her while she had breakfast. I finally told her that maybe I should sleep at a hostel that night. I don’t think she was surprised at the idea, but I think she was a little surprised that I actually came forward with the suggestion. I was surprised myself, because I usually do not do those things for myself. She didn’t tell me not to go, but she did tell me to think hard about my decision. She tried to get me to talk to her, but it was early and she had to run out to work–there wasn’t enough time for the conversation we needed to have–and I was also genuinely worried about sharing my feelings with her. I told her that if she asked later, I would talk to her frankly and not hold back.

I slept after she left and then spent time researching hostels. I found one for cheap in a good location; my idea was that it was cheap enough to continue staying with Katerina and pay for the night if she offered me a compelling reason to do so. She came back earlier than I thought, around 11:30, just before I was heading out. I scrapped those plans and stayed with Kat. I didn’t think she would, but she again initiated the conversation. I told her everything, with a little prodding. I told her that I was crazy about her, that I felt very in her way, and eventually came clean about how much it bothered me hearing her talk to the other guy on skype. She felt bad; we both agreed that I should not have come with expectations, but that they were not out of nowhere based on the experiences we had before and the fact that she hadn’t told me things would be different this time around. She was sorry those expectations were not met. I tried to get her to tell me what she was thinking; in some respects, she did, but she would not tell me whether or not she wanted me to stay. She told me that if I wanted to be there, she wanted me to stay, but that it was my decision. Either way, she either did not care one way or the other or she did not want to be vulnerable and wanted me to decide for myself. She did tell me, though, that she would probably be talking to the guy that night and maybe the next day as well. Based on that information, I decided to stay at a hostel that night. It was an important step, that decision; I think even a few months ago I would not have left and kept myself in an unhealthy situation and tortured myself. It shows growth and maturity on my part. It was a good talk, an important talk. We agreed that we had needed to talk, because neither of us wanted our memories of Spain to be tainted by hurt feelings or bad memories in Prague. I am lucky she cared enough to force me to open up.

I stuck with her for the day and we walked around Prague, talking and sight seeing. I felt better after our talk, and she showed me a few really pretty places. We went back to Kat’s place in the evening, around 6pm…she was very tired and I wanted her to be able to sleep. There were times during the day where she would be caring and a little bit affectionate, but she definitely held back a lot. I packed my things when we got back and she asked if I was sure I was doing the right thing. She seemed sad that I was moving. I sat with her for awhile before heading out. She walked me to the tram and it was a sad moment; we hugged and she stood and waved as I left, even though I would be seeing her the next day.

So, a bit of back story before this next part: in most of Europe, the public transportation is not extensively monitored. You can walk onto the trams or into the subway without buying a ticket, and your only risk is the infrequent inspections where they will fine you about 40 Euros on the spot if you are caught without a valid ticket. I had been “blackriding” all through Germany, Spain, Italy, etc. for about two months. In Prague, I had been buying all of my tickets on Katerina’s advice and simply out of respect for her and her city.

As I took the tram to my hostel, after our emotional goodbye, I got caught on the tram with an invalid ticket that was ten minutes late. I had actually thought it was valid at the time, but ignorance is no excuse, apparently. The guy took my passport and made me go to the ATM to pay the fine or go to the police station. It was a shitty end to an already difficult day, and I had to walk the rest of the way to the hostel since I didn’t have the change for a new ticket, but I met some good people there. It was a WEIRD night, and I sat on the couch people watching and watching the Hannibal movies with the others before going to bed late.

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